We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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