What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
farters have to be the big spoon...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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