I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
