The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i out mim tonsoeep
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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