why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
