Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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