the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
