I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Pooping to opera.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
