I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
