You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
