I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
