Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
