I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
