K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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