If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
