I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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