Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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