dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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