Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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