So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im holly from the hills drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
