I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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