I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
