Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
