he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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