I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
