I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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