I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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