my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
