Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
