god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
