Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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