you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
