Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize