My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
