What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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