I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
