YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
