I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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