he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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