I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
