Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
