I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
