with your own penis?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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