I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
