You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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