next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
