: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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