Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
