I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
