Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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