i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
