just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
