Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
